Jokes!
Me first:
La tribunal tiganu' si piranda se cearta pentru custodia fiicei lor.
Piranda: - Eu am adus-o pe lume cu durere, mie mi se cuvine custodia.
Judecatorul catre sot : - Argumentul dumneavoastra care este?
Omul se gandeste un moment, apoi zice calm:
- Domnule judecator, daca dumneavoastra bagati o moneda intr-un automat de racoritoare si iese o sticla de Pepsi, a cui e sticla, a masinii sau a dumneavoastra?
Un taran avea numele Ion *****.Suparat se duce la primarie si spune:-Domnule primar vreau sa mi schimb numele.
-Dar cum te cheama?
-Ion *****!
-Vai!Foarte urat nume.Si cum ai vreai sa te cheme ?
-Vasile *****
What do you do when you see 100 dead Arabs ??
Laugh and RELOAD!!
Mutat la offtopic
Originally Posted by N3O2005
What do you do when you see 100 dead Arabs ??
Laugh and RELOAD!!
PT A FACE SA SUNE TELEFONUL:
1. intra sub dus .
2. samponeaza-ti bine parul.
3 .. numara pina la 3.
IN ACEL MOMENT VA SUNA TELEFONUL!
REZOLVARE (avem 2 posibilitati)
A) Daca raspundem - era o greseala.
B) Daca nu raspundem - dupa citeva zile vom afla ca era o veste foarte
importanta!
PT A FACE SA VINA AUTOBUZUL:
1. vino punctual in statie.
2. asteapta cel putin 20 minute fara sa te asezi .
3. Aprinde-ti in fine o tigara... si la al treilea fum va aparea autobuzul!
Nota: exista cazuri in care au aparut chiar si 3 autobuze unul dupa altul!
PENTRU A NU PUTEA PARCA CAT MAI APROAPE DE CASA :
1.Invirte-te cel putin de 3 ori in jurul casei, cautind cu atentie vreun loc in care sa poti parca..
2.Mai continua inca 20 minute invirtindu-te pe stradutele invecinate cu locuinta ta.
3.Cind deja esti cu nervii la pamint, parcheaza in cartier! ul vecin, la 30 minute de mers pe jos de casa ta!
4.Astfel, cind ajungi acasa vei vedea cel putin 2-3 locuri libere de parcare direct sub fereastra ta .
LEGILE Vietii:
"Atunci cind ai nevoie sa descui o usa, cu miinile ocupate de zece pungi mari si grele... cheia se va afla in buzunarul opus miinii pe care cu greu ti-ai eliberat-o".( Legea Degeaba suni)
"Singura data cind poarta se inchide singura e atunci cind ai lasat cheile pe dinauntru ". ( Legea Pastele masii de cheie )
"Cind ai miinile pline de unsoare incepe sa te gidile nasul ".
(Legea Nasu vrea untura )
"Cind ti se pare ca totul merge foarte bine... e pentru ca ai trecut cu vederea ceva important (Legea imi trag palme)
"Daca reusesti sa-ti pastrezi calmul cind toti din jurul tau sint disperati... e pentru ca nu ai priceput pe deplin gravitatea problemei ".
(Legea Inca napicat moneda )
"Problemele nu se creeaza, nici nu se rezolva, ele doar se transforma!".
(Legea Asta nu e viata)
"Vei ajunge fugind la telefon exact cit sa mai auzi cum cineva inchide receptorul ". (Legea Ghici cine a fost)
"Mereu sint doua filme bune pe doua programe diferite la televizor....dar mereu la aceasi ora". (Legea Isi bat joc de noi )
"Probabilitatea de a te pata in timpul mesei creste direct proportional cu necesitatea de a-ti pastra haina curata! (Legea Nu mai flescai)
"Orice corp omenesc scufundat intr-o vana facind o baie relaxanta cu spuma face sa sune telefonul!". (Legea Cine dracu suna lora asta)
"Orice corp omenesc asezat pe WC face sa sune soneria de la intrare!".
(Legea Nici sa ma cac in liniste nu pot)
"Daca, dupa multi ani, te decizi si arunci ceva ce nu ai folosit demult.... Nu vor trece nici! trei zile si vei avea absoluta si urgenta nevoie exact de acel obiect!".(Legea Sami bag piciorul)
"Mereu cind ajungi punctual nu va fi nimeni sa te vada, dar cind intirzii doar 5 minute... vor fi toti deja prezenti ... si toti se vor uita la ceas si vor clatina din cap! (Legea Nam aripi la picioare)''
inca o gluma din seria "omfg lungi mai sunt"
Scrisoare de la BMW si AUDI catre MERCEDES.
Dear Mercedes,
Ze time is coming for us to give notice of our unconditional surrender in ze war for total power domination in series production automobiles. With ze introduction of your new SL 65 Schwarz edition you have made so much power we can no longer be competing. It is over, you are winning. We cannot take any more.
This battle has been for many years running now. First you are making the 300 saloon with ze 6.3 litre V8 in 1966 and then ze 450SEL 6.9 in ze 1970s. Ze starter motors of these machines was more powerful then our most powerful saloon cars, but we did catch up with you in ze 1980s remember?
BMW is making the E28 M5 in 1985 and Audi is having ze 200 Quattro Turbo which was rubbish but did feature in Ze Living Daylights when 007 rescues that bloke with the appalling Russian accent. Then BMW is introducing ze E34 M5 in 1990 with over 300bhp and you are becoming so embarrassed that ze Munich poofters are going faster that you are running to Porsche and saying in a girlie voice “Please, please help us to make a fast saloon car with a V8 engine because we are becoming so used to making E-Class Taxis we have forgotten how to make such a car.” We laughed at your running dog tactics and how ze mightly Daimler had to consult ze maker of fast Volkswagens for help. And Porsche made for you ze 500E, which was rather brilliant, so we no longer laughed.
You then are giving ze W210 E36 in 1996 and we are laughing again at your silly little six cylinder engines, but as we are laughing, you bring ze E50 from nowhere and we are thinking you might be onto something a bit special. Before BMW can do anything with a new M5, Audi is having ze new S8 with 345bhp, but you then have ze E55 with 349bhp and a few months later BMW is launching ze new E39 M5 near a place called Rimsting (true) and it is having 400bhp and then Audi is replying with the RS6 and 450bhp and everything is moving very fast and before we know it we are declaring some kind of war on you for total domination in this power race.
But everytime we are making a stronger engine, you are coming back with something even faster and this you must be understanding is very hard for us. We are trying to keep ze super-strong engines for our special model cars only, but you have been buying AMG a few years back and spraying V8s around villy nilly. Then you go and supercharge ze V8 for 476bhp and ze TUV is having to force you to come clean about it really being over 500bhp. Very naughty.
From this BMW is having to make some special 500bhp V10 for the new M5, but by then you have twin-turbocharged ze V12 and during bench testing ze earth has been shifted on its axis. Now we are feeling like this battle we are losing but we keep trying and Audi has given you a big kick in ze goolies with the 570bhp RS6 which is 70bhp more than any of your pathetic Stuttgarter 6.3 litre V8s is making. But we always are knowing that you are not afraid to be turbocharging your V12s and we can never be doing this.
And now we see this SL 65 schwartz edition and it is bringing enough power to make the Fiat 599 looking like it has a wery small villy. And we are liking that you are also German and doing this to annoy Ferrari, but we must also now tell you that we are having enough of ze power race. This is ze day it ends; with your 670bhp car.
We are having no answer to this. Congratulatings.
Kind Regards,
Board members of BMW und Audi.
P.S. Can we please be borrowing the SL 65 Schwartz for a few days?
Subject: The Perfect Husband
*
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
**MAN**: "Hello"
**WOMAN* "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
**MAN
**WOMAN**: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
**MAN**: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
**WOMAN**: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked."
**MAN**: "How much?"
**WOMAN**: "$290,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
**WOMAN**: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000" for it.
**MAN**: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
$2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000
if it's really a pretty good price."
**WOMAN**: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
**MAN**: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
**
He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"**
*
genial asta ultimu)
Ursul si cu iepurasul faceau impreuna caca in padure. La un momentdat ursul il intreaba pe iepuras:
- Iepurasule, pe tine te deranjeaza cand ti se lipeste caca de blanita?
- Nu ma deranjeaza, ursule.
Si atunci, ursul l-a luat pe iepuras si s-a sters cu el la cur.
@steauacroitoru: daca nu esti in stare sa scrii un banc, de ce te mai chinui?
Chifteluta, nu mergea sa scrii pe vremea aia decat "cenzurat". Daca te referi la calitatea bancului, asta-i parerea ta personala.
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Because he only tried it once, also, but., of course, he didn't like it!
Un banc care mi l-a spus un neamt zilele trecute, cand a vizitat Romania (buisness trip). O sa-l spun in engleza, pt. ca mi se pare mai funny:
A white man walks into the men's room and starts to ... Next to him there was a black man doing the same thing... The white man could't stop himself from looking on the other guy'sand noticed that it was 2 or 3 times bigger... and asks him for the secret. The black man said:
- That's no secret. All you have to do is go home, take your wife and shag her like this: Quick in! Eaaaaasy out... Quick in! Eaaaaasy out... And you should be fine in no time...
The white man goes home, quickly shags his wife just like the black man said: Quick in! Eaaaaasy out... Quick in! Eaaaaasy out...
Obviously upset, his wife yells at him:
- What are hec* are you doing man? You f*ck like a black man...
tipurile de salarii din ROmania:
- salariul stil ceapa: il iei in mana, te uiti la el, si incepi sa plangi
- salariul menstruatie: vine o data pe luna si tine cateva zile
- salariul dietetic: te face sa mananci din ce in ce mai putin
- salariul magic: face cateva miscari si dispare
- salariul furtuna: nu stii cand vine si cat tine
- salariul umor negru: razi ca sa nu plangi
Ministrul Finantelor si Ministrul Economiei servesc un aperitiv la bufet. Dupa un timp primul zice:
-Mai luam ceva?
-De la cine?
Adrian Nastase merge in China unde se intalneste cu omologul sau chinez.
-Cata populatie are ROMANIA? intreaba chinezul.
-23.000.000 locuitori.
-In ce hotel stati???
Furnica alerga disperata prin padure... La un moment dat da nas in nas cu leul, regele animalelor: - Ce faci, furnicuto, unde alergi in halul asta? - Pai, cum, marite rege, n-ai auzit? - Nu, ce e? - S-a produs un accident ingrozitor... - Zi odata ce e?! - Pai, s-au ciocnit elefantul si hipopotamul, rau de tot... - Bine, si ce treaba ai tu, de ce alergi ca disperata? - Ma duc sa donez sange!
Si ca sa vedeti ca pana si moderatorii au glumele lor:
Moderatorul si cu iubita in dormitor.
M:- Draga vreau sa facem dragoste in noaptea asta.
I: - Ma doare capul.
M: (o palma peste bot)
I: - Ce a fost asta!!!
M: - Warn pentru OFFTopic!
Un tip bate la poarta unei case! Un caine se ridica in 2 picioare si-i spune:
- Stapanul nu e acasa!
Tipul lesina de spaima. Cand isi revine, il intreaba pe caine:
- Pai, daca esti caine, de ce nu latri ?
- N-am vrut sa va sperii !
Bula si taica-sau:
- Ce mai e nou pe la scoala, fiule?
- Nimic! Mi-au prelungit contractul pentru clasa a VI-a!
Un evreu se afla pe patul de moarte si-i spune singurului sau fiu:
- Isaac, mai am putin si mor si vreau sa stii ca cele 7 vile, 3 blocuri, 30 de taxiuri, fabrica de imbracaminte, cele 2 ferme, 8 magazine, bijuteriile, titlurile bancare, valorile, sculpturile...
- Da, tata, mi le lasi?
- Ti le vand ieftin, foarte ieftin!
Dupa 25 de ani de casatorie , intr-o zi mi-am privit sotia si i-am spus:
- Iubito, acum 25 de ani stateam cu chirie, aveam o masina ieftina, dormeam pe o canapea si ne uitam la un televizor cu ecran de 14" alb-negru, dar in fiecare noapte adormeam alaturi de o blonda sexy de 25 de ani. Acum avem o casa mare, o masina buna, un pat mare un TV color cu plasma .Dar adorm acum cu o femeie de 50 de ani . . .Draga mea, cred ca am o problema!
Sotia mea fiind o femeie inteleapta, mi-a spus :
- Tu du-te si cauta-ti o blonda sexy de 25 de ani, ca eu ma voi ocupa ca tu sa stai din nou cu chirie, sa conduci o masina ieftina si sa dormi pe o canapea .
Pana de curent in Mall. Patru persoane au ramas blocate in lift si o blonda pe scara rulanta.
La receptia unui hotel sunt afisate cotele zapezii: Busteni 17cm, Clabucet 21cm, Postavarul 28cm. Intra o blonda, citeste, merge la receptioner si il intreaba: Care este camera domnului Postavarul ?
doi copii numarau o bila. si s-au incurcat si au luat-o de la capat.
Un barbat intra intr-un magazin de animale si incepe sa se plimbe printre custi.
Merge el ce merge si vede intr-o cusca o maimuta care costa 5000$.
Uimit se duce la vanzator:
- Domnule.. de ce costa maimutza aceasta atat de mult?
- E moderator.
- Si ce stie sa faca pentru cei 5000€?
- Pai shtie sa lucreze pe forumuri la Hardware, Telecomunicatii si Networking .
- Hmm.. buna maimuta.. merita!
Pleaca el si se mai plimba si vede intr-o cusca o maimuta care costa 10 000€.
Se duce la vanzator:
- Domnule.. de ce costa maimutza aceasta atat de mult?
- E moderator.
- Si ce stie domnle sa merite 10000$?
- Pai shtie sa lucreze pe forumuri la Programing, Webmasters, Electronica, Foto,
Video si Audio.
- Oau! Merita cu adevarat!
Se mai plimba el ce se mai plimba si vede intr-o cusca o maimuta cu 20 000€.
Neincrezator il intreaba pe vanzator:
- Dar maimuta asta ce stie?
- Nu am vazut-o facand nimic.. dar celelalte maimutze ii zic Super-Moderator!
_________________________
Un moderator intra in autobuz. In timpul mersului, in autobuz de isca un scandal... toate lumea se baga in vorba, in afara de moderator. Un tip il intreaba „dvs de ce nu va bagati?”, la care moderatorul: „Astept sa se termine flameul, apoi fac curat de ajunge iar la o pagina”
_________________________
De c�ţi supermoderatori ai nevoie să �nşurubezi un bec?
De nici unul, că moderatorii pot modera şi pe �ntuneric...
_________________________
ce a fost mai inainte? Userul sau moderatorul?
_________________________
Moderatorul
By Khan in forum Funny
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